Bottom: The Return Of The Revolting Sad Pervies

By Martin Appleby for the Sabotage Times (www.sabotagetimes.com), 1st October 2012

If you have never watched Bottom in all it’s sordid glory, you should be hung drawn and quartered, whilst Richie is boring you to death and Eddie is drinking your bleach.

Forget any other comedies you have ever seen, if you have never laughed at The Dangerous brothers, The Young Ones, The Comic Strip and Filthy Rich and Catflap, you should be shot. If you have never watched Bottom in all it’s sordid glory, you should be hung drawn and quartered, whilst Richie is boring you to death and Eddie is drinking your bleach.

Richard Richard and Eddie Elizabeth Hitler, (Rik Mayall and Ade Edmonson respectively) are returning to our screens, the human Tom and Jerry are currently writing a new series based on their ‘Hooligans Island’ live show. The impact Bottom had on my generation cannot be described, there isn’t a day that goes by, that a quote doesn’t pass my lips, and that of many of my friends all round the world. It’s like a secret club, if you don’t get it, fuck off. Forget that book about Jesus and stuff, this was the bible, anytime I’m pissed off I just visualise scenes from any episode and start laughing. It’s also a good way for people to think you are mental. Of course there is the box set (the complete series) the film, Hotel Paradiso, and the Live DVD’s.

Me and my mates had the pleasure of seeing the Bottom one live show, at the Winter Gardens, Margate, and the excitement was at a gram of speed, half bottle of vodka seeing your comedy gods kind of level. Nothing else at that moment mattered. You could have told our group that prohibition had just been introduced five minutes ago and simultaneously all our girlfriends were currently taking it up right up the gary by a bunch of crack crazed vicars, and we would have ignored it. There they were, up on stage, and we were in the front row. My proudest moment: as he did in every show, (and still was when I saw them in Blackpool four years later on Hooligans Island) Richie did his, ‘What shall I do now?’ skit, I screamed the known answer ‘HAVE A WANK’ and he started laughing, and started chanting it. Afterwards the local Kebab shop near my flat had two visitors, I went in apparently five minutes after they had gone. The owner, who knew me vaguely, saw my Bottom t-shirt, and told me they’d just been in. SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

So, for my top greatest Bottom moments. There really are too many too choose from, but here goes, brace yourselves:

Series 1, Episode 2 – “Gas”

This is one of the funniest, the Gas man comes to read the meter, which they have rigged up to Mr Rottweiller’s gas supply next door, and they have to stop him leaving. Total Tom and Jerry moment, kicking the shit out of the Gasman, the sound effects whilst Richie is punching away and Eddie smacking him with a frying pan, brings grown men to tears. ‘You’re not going anywhere mate!  Mate?  Mate!  Eddie!  You’ve killed him!’

Eddie:       ‘I never touched him.

Richie:      ‘Yeah, but the frying pan did, didn’t it, and you were touching that at the time!’

Eddie:       ’Bollocks, you killed him.  He was dead before he hit the ground.’

Richie:      ‘Well then why did you keep hitting him with the frying pan?’

Eddie:       For fun?’

Richie:      ‘Oh God!  What are we going to do?’

Eddie:       ‘About twenty-five years I think.’

Series 1, Episode 5 – “s Up”

When Richie and Eddie take over their landlords shop for a day, the power goes to Richie’s head. ‘Tuna, good’ appraising the stock, then an old woman asking him

‘Ere what’s the matter, are you mad?

‘Do you want some of this?  Do you?  ‘Cause you’re gonna get it, you old git!  You’re gonna get a right load of this right up your bracket!  Right load of this, right in your face!’

Series 2, Episode 1 – “Digger”

But oh….Richie posing as a duke, and meeting Lady Natasha Letitia Sarah Jane Wellesley Obstromsky Ponsonsky Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Oblomov Boblomov Dob, 3rd Viscountess of Moldavia. She wants his fortune, and is ready for sex, when she knocks on his door after he has been studying the joy of sex, and has to change his pajama bottoms, he then opens the door terrified and comes out with ‘Hah, der guu saingn saga snurghesa sagahm shergo schnsaga shhahaagn… I’m sorry, I’ve forgotten how to talk. Huh, come in, come in.’

Series 2, Episode 4 – “Parade”

The funniest episode they did in my reckoning, Chatting up the new barmaid, Julia Sawalha, and fighting with Kryton from Red Dwarf, playing a Falklands veteran, who doesn’t believe Richie’s story, Eddie joins in, Eddie: So, ah, what did you do then?

Veteran:      Well, I’d rather not talk about it.

Eddie:        Why, is it embarrassing? Shit your pants, did you? Cry, did you, eh?

Veteran:      ‘Quite the opposite, actually.’

Eddie:        ‘What, you sucked water in through your eyes?’

Series 3, Episode 3 – Break”

Going on holiday, when Richie tries his g-string swimming trunks on, and loses them up his arse, Eddie fetches his tool kit with rather painful results, burning them off with a blowtorch, Richie’s face will make you piss yourself.

Break” again

Exercise time: Richie needs to lose 3 stone before the holiday, after getting a blowjob from the hoover, plan B is put into action. He gets on their homemade treadmill, running like a girl, Eddie increasing the speed, then slams on the brakes, Richie goes flying through the window.

Series 3, Episode 4 – “Dough”

Eddie holed up in his bedroom, and Ritchie is lonely, knocking on his door. The door opens and Eddie reaches out holding a lit blow torch and sets fire to Richie’s balls, Richie screams and falls backwards, falling arse-over-tit down the stairs, crashing through the bathroom door and coming to rest next to the toilet, still on fire, and legs it to their fishbowl, ‘Oh Blimey! I’d better put the blaze out quickly, it’ll go on for days I’m so well hung‘ then frantically shags the fishbowl to put out the fire,

Eddie comes down ; ‘I see you’ve found something to help you pass the time, then.’

Series 3, Episode 6 – ”Carnival”

‘There’s plenty of room in my trousers, sadly’

Richie; ‘I am going to make my very own prime time current affairs discussion programme!

The plan is to send a video to a Jeremy Beadle style program, Eddie chooses Kilroy as the sexiest man on TV and Richie will do the acting, walking down the stairs introducing the programme;

Eddie:  Action!

Richie: ‘Hello, and good morning. Should Traffic wardens be armed? In the stu…’

He steps forward and then comes falling down the stairs and smashes through the bathroom door. Eddie follows around the door with the camcorder. Richie is upside down in the toilet, his head lodged firmly in the bowl.

Richie: ‘Oh! God! I’m stuck! Oh god, you bastard, Eddie! Why do you never flush the toilet?!’

Series 2, Episode 6 – “s Out”

Wimbledon Common, the camping trip they have to go on from a bet with mad Ken Stalin, and Richie’s forgot the food, Eddie wants a womble, but settles for the packet of chocolate Hobnobs he’s brought, Richie wants some, cue one of their more spectacular fights, Richie losing out, tent peg through the eye, swallowing a dart, and getting it back, on the back of his head.

 

In conclusion, yeah it’s infantile, but so fucking what, if you can’t have a laugh, then go and watch Ben Elton. Many people are more like Eddie and Richie than they would ever admit, c’mon, life should not be taken too seriously, what’s the point? and in the immortal words of Eddie Hitler;

‘You get born, keep your head down, then you die, if you’re lucky.’