How Tony and I Set Up New Labour – Alan B’stard Writes an Exclusive for The First Post on his Return to Brighton

by Rik Mayall Interviews And Articles Archive Blog

The First Post, 19th April 2006

My goodness, has it really been that long? 1991, eh? Yes, I remember Brighton, with its common volk, with knotted handkerchiefs on their heads, those sleazy hotels where you couldn’t get a Vietnamese prostitute after closing time. I vowed never to come back, but tonight I make my return appearance.

I do have one fond memory of Brighton. I gave one of my finest speeches there at the Conservative Party conference. Standing before a packed auditorium, I told our supporters: “There’s nothing wrong with the education system that £3,500 a term can’t put right, is there? Ditto, the housing shortage. There are thousands of empty houses if you know where to look. I mean, the Algarve is empty six months of the year.

“Yes, what we need in this country are radical solutions, shooting straight from the hip – which brings me on to the NHS. What do we do about waiting lists? Answer’s obvious: shut down the health service. No more lists. After all, in the good old days, you got ill, you were poor, you died. Today, everyone seems to think they have the right to be cured.”

Maggie T was right behind me. She was panting in both lusty euphoria (I think she always had a wet spot for me) and excitement, as I received a seven-minute standing ovation – which is longer than it takes me to satisfy three Vietnamese hostesses. On that afternoon in Brighton, Maggie tipped me to be the next Tory prime minister. But events intervened.

I left the Conservative Party in 1992. It was John Major, that Prince of Greyness, who made me realise that the Tories were no longer the right-wing, hanging-and-flogging party that I was so drawn to in my student days.

So, on September 16, 1992, otherwise known as Black Wednesday, I cleaned up. George Soros and I made £3.3 billion in half an hour. With my half of the dosh I decided to set up a new political party that embraced the values of good, old-fashioned Conservatism.

Thus New Labour was born.

Of course, I needed someone to front it. I found this failed rock ‘n’ roll singer called Blair who had a certain naive charisma: I knew with proper political coaching by yours truly he would adopt all those good old Tory policies.

I was going to call my new party Conservative Lite, but Tony and all his lawyer cronies thought New Labour would at least give the impression of socialism when it came to election time. Tony was right. In ’97 we won and have been in office ever since, with me running the show from my bunker at 9 Downing Street.

And it is about certain important events at 9 Downing Street that I shall be speaking in Brighton tonight. Perhaps I might even tell you what I did with the weapons of mass destruction – but then again, the less said about that, the better. I don’t want the truth about Blair’s War to come out into the open just yet. No, when I’m ready I shall tell the press and the electorate. Oh, all right then, I’ll start to spill the beans in Brighton.

Now I must go. Condi Rice wants a “face-to-face” with me – and this being Brighton, I know what that means. That woman is insatiable.