Steer by the Stars

by Rik Mayall Interviews And Articles Archive Blog

Maxim, November 2001

Talk is cheap

Rik: The secret is that being crap at chatting up women is not only funny, but it works. Women don’t like to be intimidated, so if you’re shit at chatting them up, you’re halfway there.

Ade: Though you need to be fairly good-looking for that to work. When I was crap at chatting up women it never worked. Rik got away with it because he had this strangely angular face that made girls want to shag him. He looked like he was from a boy band. Of course, these days he’s a fat old twat who’s gone a bit titty.

Rik: Interesting and mysterious works, too. Give yourself an air of mystery by carrying a hammer and a pair of handcuffs in your back pocket and telling her you’re a bit kinky. That’s how I got my wife.

Ade: He knows what he’s talking about because he was a big shagger in his youth.

Rik: You weren’t exactly hard up for women. Ade had this rock star look that worked wonders. I remember walking into a lecture hall at college and Ade was wearing ripped jeans with his feet on the desk, casually smoking. I made the mistake of standing up when the lecturer walked into the room and Ade pissed himself laughing. That’s how we first met. The cool bastard.

Pants on Fire

The easiest way to be successful with women is to be good at lying. All Maxim readers have to do is march up to a woman and announce, ‘I’m Rik Mayall. Get them off.’ Seriously, it never fails.

Ade: Or if she’s really ugly, say, ‘You’re Nigel Planer. Get them off.’

Rik: Lying will get you everywhere. The bigger the lie, the better. So if you and your partner are hosting a dinner party, offer to give a lift home to the best looking girl there, then pretend your car’s broken down on the way, phone your girlfriend and tell her you’re going to be late and spend the next two hours knobbing the girl. Then when you get home, tell your girlfriend the bloke who fixed your car need paying and set about emptying her purse. Brilliant!

Get the Hell Out!

Ade: When it comes to ending a relationship, the only acceptable tactic is to run away. Telling them you’re just nipping out for some chips is a winner.

Rik: Or cut your hair, grow a moustache and ask her if she fancies a threesome with a young friend of yours. She’ll get the message.

Ade: Although, if she says yes, you could be in big trouble.

Rik: Back when I used to work in a warehouse, the foreman there gave me the best advice: he said you don’t need a woman, just get a bag of uncooked liver and shag that instead.

Ade: Needless to say, we now won’t play any venue that hasn’t got a decent butcher nearby.