Rik Mayall on Stimulants and Irritants
by Rik Mayall Interviews And Articles Archive Blog
Arena, December 2001
FELLATING THEATRE CRITICS It always works. Actors should carry mouthwash and antiseptic at all times. RADA should teach fellatio properly — not just in the lavatories.
MOBILE-ENABLED Y-FRONTS You have to be careful to wear them the right way round. Don’t put them on violently back-to-front. What’s great about mobile phones down the Y fronts is that you can dial numbers with your penis. I was once chatting to Kate Moss on a cell phone — I got extremely aroused and inadvertently dialled the Queen.
ANN WIDDECOMBE She is my love muse. I intend to make a full woman of her — although she looks pretty full already. I’ll need climbing gear: a helmet, obviously, some ropes and very long crampons.
THE WALSALL TRAVEL LODGE Or, more specifically, getting caught naked in the lobby at three in the morning trying to seduce the receptionist with my love dance and a cucumber. The magistrate was a schweinhund who couldn’t understand I was doing it for charity.
PENIS SIZE There’s nothing wrong with having two inches. I’ve certainly never had any complaints, or any reaction at all come to that — though I did nearly pop the doll once.
CINEMA A dead art form. ‘Live’ is the art form of the twenty-first century and Bottom Live is its finest example.