Chapter: The Opposite Sex

by Rik Mayall Interviews And Articles Archive Blog

Taken from the book NSPCC Book Of Famous Faux Pas, 1990

Edited by Fiona Snelson

Excerpt from the introduction by Fiona Snelson:

…It struck me then that everyone must have some story or experience that makes them squirm or chuckle when remembered and I thought it would be a good idea if I could get famous people to share some of these magic moments with the rest of us. The idea for a book of ‘famous faux pas’ was born.

I wrote over a thousand letters to well known personalities from the world of politics, sport, entertainment and religion asking them to recount any of these experiences which they remembered and finally this book was completed.

Rik’s Contribution:

When I was at Manchester University I was in love with a girl who worked in my local chip shop. Completely besotted. So much so that I could hardly go into the shop in case she looked at me and I blushed and I had to run away. Having done that, I’d never be able to return and I’d never see her again.

Anyway, one day I was very hungry, there was nothing in the house and I had to brace the chip shop.

I looked in the window. There was no one behind the counter. Whoever was serving was in the back room. I went in. I was alone in the shop. Then she appeared. Utterly brain-mincingly gorgeous and radiant. I felt I was soiling her beauty merely by my presence. I had to be cool. I was going to have chicken pie and chips but I had to be cool.

‘Yes,’ she breathed.

‘Er, chicken and chips please,’ I heard myself saying. Surely that was the coolest thing they sold.

‘Leg or breast,’ said the goddess.

Our eyes met for the last time as I said, ‘What are your breasts like?’

For a full five seconds we looked into each other’s eyes as I went from pink to red to purple and all my insides decided they had become semolina. Then I ran away. Never to return.

And if you read this, chip lady, I still love you.